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Monday, June 28th, 2004
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12:26 pm - Whats good?
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Chillin... didnt really do a whole lot today... kinda drained... got dressed and went to the middle school to watch Amanda's boyfriend Matt's Softball game with her. Saw Raul. That was weird, i barely recognized him. He's chill though. Then went to the highschool to watch part of Matt's other softball game. funfun... saw Nick L and Gunya... same ol same ol... then went with Amanda all the way to somewhere near Alton in east bum, to pick up her brother at some summer camp hes working at. It was a nice ride though i guess. An hour... I slept on the way back cause i was so tired. I went to bed at like 4 last night, Ive been going to bed late lately. oh well... After pickin up Zack i came home and then went to Dannys, chilled with him then chilled with Justen and Ramona for an hour or so, and then came back to Danny's to play fight night on playstation... i wooped him once :-p... hehe im not too bad... but i came home early... around like 10:30...
Last night was pretty chill... I chilled with Mike and Hobbs for a while and went to Friendly's (where i might be putting an application into, cause no where else around here is hiring... sucks) and then met up with Scotty and Danika, and went down town... actually we went down town a couple times last night. I saw a ton of people from the past. Justin, Chris Micheals brother, Brian, Ali Mac!, Colin, a ton of people. I guess Brian just got a place in portsmouth... so ill prob end up chillin with them sometime cause i guess him and i are chill now. I got the new Jadakiss Cd and Kanye West's Cd at bullmoose too... they're pretty good.
hmm what else is new?... Steves home. My best friend since 8th grade, who moved down to Hawaii last year. he stopped by and saw me thursday when he got here, but hes been busy up in northwood. he'll be by sometime this week though, so thatll be good. Its kinda weird though. Well not weird, i dont know. Steve and i dated back in 8th grade and some of 9th grade, so that was a while back, but we've always been best friends. And when we were younger, going to different schools we wouldnt see eachother too often but we always talked on the phone and stayed close, but when wed see eachother there would always be a spark there. But now we've both kinda gone in different directions in life. We arent the same people we were 3 years ago. And he came back and said that for him, theres still that spark with me, cause he cares a lot about me... and all that. And it was always a cheesy thing a while back to say that if we werent married by the time we were 30 wed get married and stuff like that. But i just dont have that feeling for him anymore. Sometimes he even gets on my nerves because we arent the same people anymore. I mean he'll always be my boy and ill always have love for him, but its not like that with me anymore. And i mean ive always found him atractive and now i dont. I think it still kinda has to do with Chrys and that whole thing, but i dont know. It's all really messed up. But oh well, so yea hes back. I hope i can spend some time with him, cause i havent seen him in a year, and before he left we didnt get to chill that much.
um... im tired, so im gonna go crash...
much love to everyone
-stay hot-
current mood:  sleepy
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| Sunday, June 27th, 2004
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12:07 pm - Mike Check ONE TWO
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What up yall?
It's been a while... shits been shitty...
I figured id start writing back in this because it helps to write your thoughts down and get stuff out, and typing is even easier.
I used to write my thoughts down and send them to Chrys... but i cant even do that anymore. Everything is just so messed up. I dont even know what to do anymore. Im going crazy. Everyone's changed, everything's changed and nothing is the same.
I'll start off talking about the people...
I wish i could say i have a bestfriend,,, someone thats there for me no matter what, someone i could tell everything to, someone i could trust, and someone that wouldnt screw me over. Well i mean theres a lot of people ive called best friends, or good friends or whatever... but right now i feel like i dont have anyone. Dont get me wrong, there are many people who i love and care a lot about me and listen to what i have to say and i love them to death for it, but it still feels like somethings missing. The people who i thought were my true best friends arent there anymore. People who i thought were my boys have fucked me over. These people i would do anything for, walk all over me. I dont even know. Right now I just feel like flipping out. A lot of things are eating away at me.
Right now, the biggest thing is things with Chrys. Chrys was my best fucking friend. I would do anything for that kid. I still would do anything for him. And this whole situation is just driving me nuts. I wish i could just have a reason to hate him, and just forget about everything cause it would make things so much easier, but i cant. I cant have any contact with him. So basically its like i need to stop thinking about him and go on with my life. But i cant stop thinking about this shit. What the hell did i do to deserve all this shit in my damn life. He was basically one of the main reasons i looked forward to coming back to portsmouth, was to spend time with him, keep my life straight and stay on the right track. But now everything is fucked. Thats Portsmouth for you i guess. I have no control over this situation and that just eats me away. I'm not a bad kid. If anything i would keep him outa trouble then to get him into it. I just wish i could write him, or do something. When he was locked up i could still write him atleast. But im glad he's out and i hope he stays on the right track and goes places in life, because i love him too much to see him back at some place where he doesnt belong. But it sucks to love someone so much and not be able to have anything to do with them. Ive never cared for anyone that much before, we've been through so much together. Not only did i lose a boyfriend, but a best friend. I told him everything, I've never given myself to anyone like that before. Its not like i want him back in my life cause i miss having him as a boyfriend or whatever, its the fact that i miss having him as a bestfriend. There's very few people that you'll get that close to in your life time and he's one of them. I miss just being able to sit around and do nothing, and have a good time because i was with him, and thats all that mattered. I miss talking to him, i miss everything. I dont know what to do. I wish so much that it wasnt like this. There really isnt much else i can say about all this, because its a never ending battle. I just wish that whoever made it so he couldnt have contact with certain people would make an exception. Seriously, I would do ANYTHING to be able to talk to him. Even if it was through letters that someone reads and gives to him. I dont even know. I need to move on and let go and all that. But you cant just forget about someone that made you so happy. He was the main reason i stayed strong living in North Carolina through all the shit i went through, even though i could only talk to him through letters. I dont even know where he stands through all of this, i just hope that he keeps himself out of trouble, and is happy in whatever he is doing. I have so much love for him, and i miss him so much, but thats all i can say. Theres nothing i can do so i just need to stop talking about all of this.
Something else that makes me mad is that theres rumors that i sold weed to chrys and that i stole money from water country and shit like that... its rediculous. Non of thats true. Those arent the only rumors that have gone around about me. There was even a rumor on my dads side of the family, that dont even talk to me, that i moved down to NC because i was a coke head. For one thing, I'm not a coke head, nor have i ever been a coke head so i dont even know where people get shit like that from. And you know who started that rumor, my grandmother, cause she thought i looked skinnier and did drugs, so i guess that means im a coke head. That's just the begining of all the shit i have to deal with. But seriously, people can believe whatever they want to believe about me. Because people who judge me and believe things and dont even know me, dont deserve my respect in the first place. And its fucked that my own family treats me that way. I would do anything for anyone in my family, any of my friends, id give the world for them, but people constantly walk all over me.
Next
Amanda and Meghan... my bestfriends??... I dont know... Meghan acted so pumped for me to come back. She was like yea liz i cant wait blahblah... So i come back... and where is she?... who knows, no where to be found... she hasnt called me at all since i been back... ive called her... chilled with her a few times, but all she does is work, go chill with her boyfriend and chill with Jess (who she supposidly thought was annoying and didnt like and would ignor her phone calls 2 months before i came back),,, shes suppose to be my bestfriend and this is how it is.
Amanda... she'll always be my girl. But all she does in her free time is chill with Matt (her boyfriend)... I cant blame her. Im not asking her to drop everything cause im back, but i mean i dont see her anymore... i went from chilling with her every day to not talking to her weeks on end. Im not mad at her or anything, i cant blame her for wanting to spend time with her boyfriend.... but it just sucks that everything has changed so much.
I would go into depth about other people, but i dont feel like getting myself worked up about this stuff.
My mom and I are cool now. I guess thats the best thing that came out of moving to NC. But now I really dont know what to say to my dad. He didnt stand by me at all when i was down south. He let Cindy walk all over me and him everyday. Finally a couple weeks before i left I stopped staying in my room all day avoiding her like my dad told me, and finally said something when shed try to make my life hell. I even wanted to stay down there another year to finish school because i liked the school down there, and all hell broke lose. The second she found out i wanted to stay, she did everything in her power to make my life a living hell. Ive never even done anything wrong to her. Shes a psycho, and Ive lost a lot of respect for my dad through all of this. This is deffinetly not the first time shits been messed up with my dad. My whole life has been messed up with him. From his drinking to his psycho girlfriends wanting to kill me, just because they arent the only girl in his life. From him moving back and forth, coming in and out of my life... from talking to not talking, things have been messed. Moving down to NC was the first time ive ever lived with my dad. And it shows there was a reason why that was the first and last time I will ever do that. I just have so much more respect for my mother for putting up with his shit. I love my dad to death, dont get me wrong, he's an awesome person at heart, but hes messed up. My dad has lied to me so many times its rediculous. Not even over anything important, over little things. Hes done it my whole life... theres just so many things that eat me away about him. And the biggest reason ive lost mostly all respect for him is that he sat there and let Cindy do all the shit she did to me, and stood on her side, "because he had to live with her". Someone who cant stick up for there own daughter, when shes done nothing wrong and you know it, is just sad. I cant even talk about this anymore, im done.
-Lets just say, all of that is just the begining of the shit i deal with everyday. I'm not even complaining... i love life i guess, but right now i just wanna rip my hair out. Im frustrated, theres nothing i can do to make it better. Ive never thought of myself as someone whos depressed... because im usually happy... I mean i am... ask anyone i always smile,,, and its not me being fake, im usually happy. i try not to let things get to me. But when im home and its just me, and im sitting here stuck to think about stuff, i guess i do get depresed, anyone would. I think thats the reason im always doing things. The reason why i wake up get dressed and go hangout with friends and dont come home until 12 at night every night. Its not because im up to no good, its because i cant sit in my house to think about things, i need to get out and do stuff, it keeps my mind off everything. Thats just my way of dealing with everything. I feel bad a lot of the times because i leave my mom here by herself. But i cant be here by myself or with just her, because i'll start thinking about things.
i dont even know, im done writing right now... im emotionally drained... im sick of it all...
who ever said "life's a bitch" was right...
but what can u do, but continue to keep ya head up, and hopefully something good will come out of everything... hopefully
-much love to everyone-
current mood:  drained
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| Thursday, April 1st, 2004
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7:17 pm - Haaeayy
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thought this was cute so im doing it too... got if from stephy...
ill try to make it as truthful as possible lol
BODY:
:x: piercings = ears + nose
:x: tattoos = no!!... i want paws on my bikini line like eve has on her chest
:x: height = 5'5 w/ brown eyes!
:x: shoe size = 9 1/2, 10 HUGE
:x: hair color = dirty blonde
LAST...
:x: movie you bought = hmmm... i dont think ive boughten any movies, i rented american wedding with my own money though lol
:x: song you listened to = i'm listening to some song on BET lol cause u know im ghetto jk
:x: cd you bought = chicken and beer, Luda!
:x: cd you listened to = my rap mix... lol
:x: person you've called = Chrys' mom last night lol
:x: person that called you = My dad lol
:x: tv show you've watched = 106 and park on bet
:x: person you were thinking of = Chrys, just got a letter from him
:x: friend you made = Sandra a girl from LA that goes to NW
DO...
:x: you have a crush on someone = My boyfriend
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else = NH!... get the hell up outa here,,, im moving back though at the end of may
:x: you think about suicide = Hell no,,, I agree with steph totally on this one
:x: you believe in online dating = No... thats G-A-Y
:x: others find you attractive = the weirdos like Chrys
:x: you want more piercings = yea... u know...
:x: you drink =i quit, and tryin to keep it that way
:x: you do drugs = did, sober for a while, and tryin to keep it that way
:x: you smoke = cig. -used to, now its off and on, only when im stressed, but im trying to quit
:x: you like cleaning = Hell no
:x: you like roller coasters = Hell yes
:x: you write in cursive or print = Print man, my writing looks like shit
FAVORITE...
:x: food = chicken, blow pops, cookie dough ice cream in a waffle cone, and cheese cake
:x: song = right now, its "hey mamma", or "freak-a-leak"
:x: thing to do = talk to my hommies, chill with my hommies, and be happy...
:x: thing to talk about = Up north, cause shit down here BLOWS
:x: sports = Baseball/softball, fieldhockey, basketball
:x: drinks = sprite, water, strawberry daquiri
:x: clothes = shit thats pimp... whatever fits... and doesnt make me look like a total fat ass lol
:x: movies = hmmmm.... cruel intentions, kings of comedy and ET
:x: singer = umm... Luda...
:x: holiday = My birthday, it should be national and its april 7th dont forget!!... um... forth of july, cause its during summer vaca and we have no school... lol
HAVE YOU...
:x: ever cried over a girl = sure,,, i cry easily... i love my girlies though!
:x: ever cried over a boy = yea,,, theres the occasional few heart breakers out there
:x: ever lied to someone = pff No!... haha maybe that was a lie or maybe this a lie who knows?
:x: ever been in a fist fight = ha, sure...
:x: ever been arrested = Nope
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
:x: pretty = I except myself for who i am and not for what i am not... And i believe to be happy in life, u need to be able to love urself first, because if u dont love urself, then no one else will...
:x: funny = i like to make people laugh
:x: hot = dead sexy
:x: friendly = no!... im a bitch,,, jk i try to be even if people dont like me...
:x: amusing = i guess lol, i amuse myself, i dont know bout u
:x: ugly = no
:x: loveable = yeah,,, i love to love
:x: caring = yes
:x: sweet = as pie... lol i dont know i guess
:x: dorky = hell yes... im a total dork at heart... yall know me....
ok all done,,, im hungry lol... i went to texas roadhouse for dinner tonight,,, mmm lemme tell u, its damn good... well, im gonna go, but i love yall,,, i cant wait to be in NH!!! 6 days til my birfday, 9 til im in NH!!.... YAY!!,.,,,
see you soon
stay hot yall
current mood:  crazy
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| Sunday, March 28th, 2004
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3:22 pm - hey yall
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Well I'm slick...
Yea, people around her are beyond psycho and things havent been peach i just said cause it sounded good... cindy disconnects the monitor power to the comp when she leaves, and hides the cable so icant use the comp... before she was disconnecting the phones too, but my mom got pissed and flipped on my dad cause what the fuck why are people so psycho... anyways... i figured out how to get on by connecting the copy machine power thing to the monitor because its the same kinda hook up, so they have no clue im on... but hell theres nothing else to do in this hell hole...
im so pumped to come home for vaca, and even more pumped to move back...
i have a whole new outlook on ptown, it really isnt too bad...
it's like a whole different culture down here, rednecks, dirtysouth blacks, preppy ass rich kids, and beauty queens... i swear most of the guys are gay down here and spend more time in the mirror then i do... i dont want a damn boyfriend thats more sensitive then i am... lol...
but i have my chrys :) and im sososo happy cause i get to spend time with him when i come up,,, and as for the other chris... i think that was me being a hornball cause i havent been with anyone in a half a year... man its been a while... i guess im just lonely lol... but yea, i dont know, ill let him come to me, he said he wanted to chill and all that stuff but hes always doing shit with his guy friends, and im not really lookin for a hook up i guess, i want someone to be there for me,,, i basically want chrys my boyfriend to be with me all the time, but that just isnt happening right now is it?... nope... so oh well...
2 weeks and ill be home free... meghan and i are thinkin bout goin to a concert... she wants to go to badfish which is a sublime cover band but i dont know, i kidna wanna go see jedi mind tricks which is a rap group, with rappers like canabis and stuff.... but who knows itll be fun... its my birthday april 7th... i kinda wanna have a birthday party in nh... but i dont know where to have it or whatever yanno... someone should have a suprise birthday party for me and ill pretend like i dont know... lol... like amandas 17th i got people to have for her lol... but yeah, i just wanna chill with my friends and the people that mean the most to me and stuff, thats all i want... to have fun, and be happy for the 10 days that im up there, because seriously, living down here sucks balls and im sick of being by myself all the time... :(....
well im gonna go, there isnt really anything new,,, i miss everyone up north... im starting to want to shoot people down here lol, cause its getting annoying and all but oh well ill deal...
i love yall
stay hot
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| Friday, March 26th, 2004
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5:45 pm - HAHA!
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LOL Ghetto Booty... You KNOW!...
Haha well i thought id show yall that...
Things aroung here have been peach...
People are crazy,... thats why im moving back to NH when i get outa school after May 26 :-p... so thatll be good....
I'm coming home the 10th-19th... i found out that hannah is coming home that week too... so i get to see her, im so pumped!... and guess what... i get to spend time with chrys, cause he'll be out... :-p.... aww this is gonna be the best vaca ever lol haha even though its to portsmouth lol...
but i get to spend time with my hommies :)... and its my birthday april 7th... so i kinda wanna have a birthday party lol... but who knows...
im gonna go though... yall need to call me cause its lonely down here...
stay hot...
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| Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
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1:21 pm - HeyHey
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I'm home sick today...
My dad always thinks i fake this shit cause im sick all the time, then i end up going to the doctor and i am sick, so it proves him wrong. Like before i found out i had a virus he'd bitch at me and tell me i was lazy and shit cause i slept all the time and i didnt feel like moving... I mean, that shit pisses u off when it comes from ur own dad, and ur not trying to be like that, u cant help that...
Oh well...
What else is new...
Looks like ports. has a snow day... It snowed down here a few times, which was kinda crazy, but its been nice...
I'm watchin my baby sis, shes such a little nut case... Shes 7 months, and so cute,,, obviously u know where she gets her looks from haha... JK!... I teach her how to do the stupidest shit, like stick out her tounge and make noises, and do crazy stuff,,, parents hate me for it all too... lol...
Oh yea... i live with my dad now... my dad, my step-mom, my step-bro mike, my step-sis emily and my half sis erin... So if i ever say their names then you know who im talkin bout...
Mikes in 6th grade and em's in 4th... they are pretty chill, most of the time...
My step mom is aight, but shes mad psycho most of the time... My dads chill though, he basically still acts like he's in high school, so its chill...
I'm gonna go chill with the baby so im out...
stay hot
current mood: tired
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| Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
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8:20 pm - what up?
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Hey Yall...
It's Liz... yall know me...
I think this journal shit is kinda gay,,, but its kinda nice to get what u want out and stuff... yanno what im sayin...
anways... i moved down to NC like 6 months ago... shits peachy i guess...
It sucks though, shits nothing like NH... seriously you start to miss Portsmouth once you leave it... as sad as that sounds. I miss a lot of things. My friends, My family,,, and my boy...
Yup, I'm still with Chrys... I'm sure everyones heard where he's at... It sucks, but it's really helped to straighten him out. He's an awesome person, just got mixed up with the wrong shit... Just like half the people in portsmouth do... I've straightened myself out too, that was my main reason for moving down here... I still have my fun, dont get me wrong, but its not an addiction anymore...
I'm coming up the 10th-19th, so hopefully everything goes good... I really hope Chrys is outa lock up by then,,,, If everything goes good with my mom and i, then ill be back as soon as schools out here, which is in MAY!... and then hopefully finishing school up there...
Things are ok down here... Its been nice out... rained today though... Kids are alright, but everyones real clicky around these parts... all the guys have girlfriends and all the girls run their mouths... typical... but the girls here are startin to get to know me so things are chill... the guys are cute too. Of course, the black boys love me... and u know why!... haha... been to a few parties down here... they were mad gay!!... cause no one knows how to do it like ptown kids!
Hmm... ive been sick with some wack ass virus... i dont know whats up with that... now i have an ulser in my throat?... yea its wack...
-Some ho just IMed me and started running her mouth, shes my friends girlfriend?... lol i dont even know her, and ive been friends with him for like 3 years, and shes all like dont talk to him... people are damn psycho....
If you are in any way like that, about ur man, then u need to take a step back and check urself... u obviously need to grow the fuck up...
Crazy...
I'm out...
Stay Hot
current mood:  <~
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